All right, sizzlecheecks! Time to sit down and listen up, because it's my turn to roast!

Crowdcheering







Calm down, calm down! I know you've all been (hopefully...) waiting for this exciting moment! So, let's get started!

Now, like with Touchy Subjects, I aim to not go to the lengths of pissing people off. But rather, get a serious kick out of this entire experience.

Kick







Oh! And speaking of pissing people off...and kicks...someone I'd love to kick square in the head at the moment is the notorious Alfons!

Here's a little wake-up call for you, buddy, this challenge is all abotu humor and creativity! Sure, you may find all of this and much, much more out of your roast...

...in the perspective of yourself and yourself alone.

I don't know how the brain of the Alfons works, and quite frankly, I don't want to know!

Before I forget, however, here is a picture of a knat.

Knat






Don't you hate these damned things?! Those smallpesky, bugs? I bring up a picture of a knat for a simply comparison in size.

Did you know that the size of this knat and the size of Alfons's brains are of the exact same size?!

Alfons, you're a curious one for sure. Did I mention you look damn fine in a mustache? Thanks, Perry!

BATARANG










Next, I feel as though I should roast Lucas!

Lucas, buddy, what's up?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Lucas?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Helloooooooooooooo...?

...

...

...

...

...

...

Whatareyouthinking












...Moving on...Stephen!

Look at you, buddy! The very first person voted out of the ORG...

Loser







...To being the first returnee!

Winner







Let's face it, Stephen, you're simply #1!

Flippingoff










Bah, I kid! You're a true survivor, Stephen! Kudos to you!

Next, Stephane!

Stephane, to be honest, I don't know what it is about you, buddy! You seem to have this awe-inspring thing about you where, in every ORG you participate in, you make it very, very far! Final six...final five...final four...the finals...you name it!

But will it be the case here in French Polynesia?!

We're bound to find out, but until then, I think you can sit back and enjoy every single thing that's coming to you...

...namely, this strange affection Alfons has with you.

I mean--have you not seen how cray-cray he is about you in this game?! He's got googly eyes over you--literally! Here, Alfons--take 'em. They'd look wonderful with that mustache of yours.

Googlyeyes







Or, could this be something darker? Something kept a secret from all of us?

Bah, I'm getting out of hand here. Stephane, you're a cool cat for sure, though you mentioned...my bottle.

Bottle















OH, NO, WAIT! NOT THAT BOTTLE! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEheheheheheheh........................................................

...But seriously, though. This little bottle of mine is special to me, and whether it is everyone doing this over it (myself included...)

When-someone-starts-singing-justin-bieber o 440287







...it will always be that way. Special! Just hope that, when opened, it doesn't come back to bite ya square on the ass! Love ya, Stephane!

AND FINALLY...DB and Perry!

Undoubtedly my best friends in this ORG, you two are my prides and joys, and I couldn't live without you here!

Heart eyes







So, since you've been so special to me, I think I shall return the favor! Below are some haikus I quickly wipped up for the two of you. Enjoy...


Survivor is crude,

DB and Perry are not,

I am happy now!


Though despite how we feel about one another, here's one haiku that may bring up a...darker...side of the game.


Blindsiding is crude,

And if you think you want to,

I pity you both!


And at this point, I question why I'm friends with someone who is as awesome as a possum...

Possum
















...or someone who is secretly a platypus!

Platypus







And then there's me. And I'm just like...

Kermit







In the end, I've learned that we all have our special ins-and-outs of ourselves!

We're all simply magical, really. <3


Whether you want to consider this a roast or not, here it is! A hot, fresh, steaming pile of roast, with a perfect serving for six.

RoAST















Eat up and clean your plates...but don't get a stomach ache!